Have I mentioned how Stephen’s in France? Yeah, he’s in France. (This isn’t France by the way. This is Florence. Oooh. Pretty.) Since he left, he’s messaged me, and I’ve messaged him, and we’ve generally been messaging each other practically every day. Except yesterday. And today. I wrote him about my wonderful Thoreau quote, and he never wrote nuffin back.
So naturally, I got upset, and worried (especially since Facebook allows me to see that yeah, he has been online. Even commented on a picture with me in it. What a cock.) and sort of started freaking out in my headbrain. Writing about it now, I can’t remember why this is annoying me. Basically, since he’d begun messaging me I began to assume that we would be in regular contact, with him letting me know how things were going down out there. (I know you’re all dying to hear if he’s coming back or not. When will we know?!)
One of my main tenets of existence is that assumptions are baaad. To assume that a process, action or occurance will continue to happen, merely because it has happened everyday so far can lead to a massive bump in the thought process when, suddenly, one day, it stops. Bompf. Whu? I’m not just talking about my experience with Stephen here, but that was the starting point. Things like assuming your job is stable, that the computer should work because you know you set it up right, that if you jump a foot in the air you won’t just keep going, that of course electricity can’t be derived from trees; all fallacious. Just because something has happened, doesn’t mean it will continue to do so. Just because something has never happened before, doesn’t mean it can’t happen.
From assumptions, we move onto expectations. I expected a message yesterday and hoped for one today. Didn’t get one. Grumpy self. Now…I made myself grumpy over that. I chose to expect an event, which did not then happen. There was no reason for this event to occur (we hadn’t discussed communicating while he was out there, and, in fact, I’d rather have not talked to him for the first couple of weeks anyway. As I think I may have mentioned previously…) and yet, when it didn’t, I talked myself into feeling bad over it. It must mean that…he didn’t think about me today, that he doesn’t care enough to reply to what I have to say, that he doesn’t care about me at ALL, etcetc blah blah blah. More assumptions! I’m attributing feelings to another person based on an arbitrary judgement about how I feel about not being contacted. I’m assuming that this action means this emotion. There’s no saying it does, and there’s no saying it doesn’t. Not until I ask him. (OY YOU, why no talkie?)
Exactly. I think a lot of relationship problems (and life problems) are a result of assumptions and expectations that we have of other people. Other people who are completely oblivious to said assumptions and expectations of their behaviour! I made myself grumpy and upset over something which has absolutely no bearing on how I do or don’t feel about Stephen. (Did I fall for him in the first place because he messaged me every day on facebook? Um. No. And Um. Creepy?) So instead of freaking out and deciding that, well, I just can’t possibly be with him if he’s going to be like that, I’m going to go home, eat some double chocolate cheesecake, read some more of ‘The Mad Ship’ and chill the fuck out. And probably check facebook. Repeatedly. Because hey, I want to hear from him.